


there you are, and there you were

by humanluke



Series: cake projection series [2]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, I think that’s it, M/M, Past Character Death, Sad, calum and ashton are mentioned - Freeform, dealing with death, no active death, oh michael is also mentioned one time, so calum has already passed, this is a sequel, uhhhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 02:09:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28823478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/humanluke/pseuds/humanluke
Summary: January 18th.Luke had been regretting the day coming up on the calendar.
Relationships: Luke Hemmings/Calum Hood
Series: cake projection series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2113335
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	there you are, and there you were

**Author's Note:**

> hello everyone! well, those of you that will read this. this is just me projecting because my anniversary with my late fiancé is tomorrow and the way i cope with my feelings is through writing fic apparently! so have some cake. love you all 💖 title is from january gloom by all time low bc that song reminds me of my love 🥰

January 18th. 

Luke had been regretting the day coming up on the calendar. He could feel it creeping up on him, like his shadow getting shorter as the days went on. He knew it was inevitable, because it wasn’t like the world was suddenly going to skip over it just because the date caused him emotional pain. 

But it was here before he knew it, and he found himself waking up in the morning of that day, clutching at the empty side of his bed that had lain that way for the last eight months, cold and filled with painful memories and a ghost of an indent still in the mattress. He rolls over onto his side, staring at the empty space for a moment, squeezing his eyes shut and pretending that everything was okay, that the last eight months had just been a bad dream and Calum was still there, sleeping peacefully beside him. 

He knew that all the dreaming and wishing in the world wasn’t going to bring him back, wasn’t going to reanimate him. But he could pretend, just for a few moments in the quiet of the morning that nothing had changed. That the cancer hadn’t ripped the proverbial rug out from underneath him, hadn’t tanked the love of his life in 6 weeks flat. 

His face is warm and wet and he realizes he’s started crying, and once he starts he knows he’s not going to stop for a while. He reaches over for the pillow, the traces of Calum’s smell still on it after all this time, and he inhales it shakily, cursing everything about today and everything that had happened. 

He doesn’t let himself wallow for too long, knowing that he has to get to work today and pretend at least to be a functional human being. It’s a holiday, at least, so the offices are mostly closed, so he knows it’ll be a quiet day for him at the very least. 

Luke thinks to himself that he shouldn’t have offered to work the holiday today, that he should get a free pass to not have to be a functional human for once, but he knows that being an adult means you have to sacrifice your mental well-being from time to time. (He thinks the fact that he has trauma should matter somehow, but he knows it doesn’t, and it’s too late now to go back and ask to work another day.) 

He’s grateful Ashton isn’t awake yet, because he knew if he was, he would be asking him a million questions and insisting he take the day off for himself, even though he knows it’s not possible for him to do that. So he washes the tears off of his face, makes himself some coffee and toast, and heads off to work after making himself look halfway presentable. 

He’s grateful he had his own office today, because he definitely starts crying more than once in the middle of the day. He hates feeling so fragile like this, so broken up about everything. He wants all of the pain to go away — wishes that Calum was there to wipe away his tears and tell him everything was going to be okay. That he was going to be okay. That’s all he wanted, was to be told by him that he would be okay. But it was impossible now, and no matter how many times he heard it from Ashton, his mom, any of his other friends, he just couldn’t believe them. 

He couldn’t imagine ever being okay, not completely. 

But he perseveres. He goes through the motions of his day, getting as much work done as he can in an attempt to distract himself. Ashton texts him around lunch to check in, and lets him know he’ll be around if he needs him, but he’s going over to Michael’s and to let him know if he wants him to come home. Luke is almost grateful to be left to his own devices tonight; he’s got an idea or two of his own for the evening, and he doesn’t really want to be around Ashton. As much as he loves him to pieces, and is more than grateful that he moved in with him to keep him steady after he lost Calum, he feels like Ashton expects more of him than he can give at times. He feels a little guilty, maybe, not feeling like he could put in one hundred percent in their relationship at all times. But he’s trying his hardest, and he thinks that’s all that matters. 

He makes it to 5pm, finally, with a few more messages and texts from others making sure he’s okay today and asking if they can help in any way. He’s polite and thanks all of them and gently declines, saying he’ll get through it. He’s gotten this far already, he can’t see why he couldn’t get a little farther through the day. 

He stops at the store after work, because he needs something for dinner, because if Ashton isn’t home he doesn’t need to make a whole meal. He grabs himself something small, not having much of an appetite after crying himself out for most of the day, before snagging himself a bouquet of flowers and a single serve slice of cake. 

He’s grateful for the quiet house when he walks through the door. He almost thinks that he’s going to walk in and Calum will be on the other side of the door, and everything has been some long winded cruel prank. He would even forgive him, too, if it were the case. 

He knows it isn’t, but a man can dream, right? 

He puts the bouquet of flowers on the table in a vase, a bright and stark difference. The mixture of sunflowers and wild roses was one that Luke had found to be a surprise, almost as if someone knew that was exactly what he needed. The mixture of their favorite flowers looks lovely atop the table, and he smiles to himself a little bit as he makes quick work of the sandwich that he got himself for dinner. 

He grabs a candle and a lighter from the kitchen, having to rummage a little bit in order to find something. He takes the small slice of cake he got at the store and puts it onto a plate, sticking the candle in it and lighting it as he sits at the table alone. He clutches at the necklace resting against his collarbone, always there and close on him, holding a pinch of Calum’s ashes so he can always have him with him. He imagines how they would have spent today if he hadn’t lost him 8 months ago, how they would have probably just binge watched tv and played fifa and ordered pizza or something. The opposite of romantic, but they didn’t need romance, the two of them. They just needed each other. Luke smiles a little to himself again, tears hot on his face for the umpteenth time that day as he sighs to himself. 

“Happy anniversary, Calum,” he says softly, before blowing out the candle, and for a moment, Luke feels like Calum is there with him too, blowing it out with him.

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on tumblr!


End file.
